


Say Yes

by yukiawison



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Say Yes To The Dress - Freeform, connor loves TLC, soft connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-03 23:33:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10977690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiawison/pseuds/yukiawison
Summary: Connor Murphy is a closet Say Yes to the Dress fan.





	Say Yes

Connor shook his head and sunk further into Evan's couch. "Try on a fit and flare not a ballgown idiot!" He yelled at the screen just as Evan walked back in the room.

"What are we watching?" He asked, sliding in beside him with a bag of popcorn. Evan was freer with touches now. They'd been together for a couple of months, though to be honest Connor had had a giant crush on Evan Hansen for years, before they'd even spoken to each other. Connor put his arm around Evan and Evan leaned his head on his chest in a gesture of comfort that made Connor grin.

"Say Yes to the Dress," he grumbled. "It's a marathon." It was nearly 2 o'clock and he was still in his pajamas: plaid pants that were two short on him and one of Evan's t - shirts, which was also too small (but it was Evan's so he didn't mind.) He loved these weekends at Evan's: pancakes and movies and arms wrapped around him when they fell asleep. "I watch a lot of this dumb show for someone with no intention of getting married," he smirked.

Beside him Evan stiffened. _Dammit Murphy what did you do?_

"You don't want to get married? L-like, ever?" Evan sat up. Behind him a bride was gushing about her beach wedding.

"I, uh...my parents aren't exactly the model married couple. And then when I figured out I was gay I didn't really think it was much of an option. But now I think it's just about principle. I think you can have a solid, loving relationship without getting married."

"Oh," Evan said. It sounded small.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he squeaked.

"Evan tell me."

He sucked in a breath. His hair was mussed and wild and his jaw was clenched. "I mean...I kind of imagined a wedding someday. I kind of, used to daydream about it." Evan's face was going red.

Connor wrinkled his nose at him. "Please tell me you didn't fantasize about your wedding with my sister."

Evan shook his head violently. "No, no I didn't. I just thought about marrying someone and having a bunch of friends and family there which was comforting because I didn't have much of either. And my dad left so my mom never showed me any wedding photos or anything. It wasn't like it was something we talked about. I guess I like the idea of getting up and committing yourself to someone you love."

"Evan..."

"You don't have to say anything. It's stupid really. And it's not like we're anywhere near something like that."

"It's not stupid. Of course it's not stupid if you care about it. Take a breath Evan. It's okay." Evan had started tugging on the hem of his shirt and his breathing was short and fast. _What the fuck Murphy? You can't even watch TLC without scaring your boyfriend? What's wrong with you?_ Sometimes the voice in his head sounded like his father.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I like you a lot Connor." Connor froze, no doubt a dopey smile spreading across his face.

"I like you a lot too Evan," he replied.

"So I think about this stuff," he said quietly. "I really like you a lot Connor."

"Evan if you ever wanted to marry me of course I'd say yes. If it was important to you and you wanted me of course we'd have a big, beautiful, perfect wedding." He felt kind of ridiculous saying this. They hadn't been dating that long. Connor had never considered himself much of a romantic but the idea of a wedding: Evan in a suit standing up at an altar, a bright smile that was just for him, the filling feeling that maybe he wasn't such a fuck up after all. "If you wanted to marry me I'd be honored Evan." Now that felt really dumb. He flushed.

"I...uh." Across the room a woman was assessing the quality of her favorite dress with a veil.

"I didn't mean it like that," he amended. "I didn't think you were trying to say you'd want to marry me."

"I mean I do someday," Evan muttered. And then stopped abruptly, eyes widening. "I shouldn't have said that. That's weird. I'm sorry."

Connor reached out and pulled Evan Hansen into a hug. He was warm and tense and after a moment he loosened up and just held on to him. "It's fine. I'm in this for the long haul too Hansen. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon if I can help it."

Evan laughed, a choked, happy but scared kind of laugh. "Okay," he said. "Okay, let's leave it at that then."

"Okay," Connor repeated, grinning wildly. "We can do that."

"Do you still want to stay over?" He asked.

Connor liked Evan's apartment because it was close to campus, free of roommates on the weekend, and was starting to become a place where Evan felt at home. Connor's place had a weird smell and loud neighbors.

"If it's okay with you."

"It's okay with me."

Connor got the flu once, only a few weeks into their relationship. He was stuck in bed, more snot than human, sweat soaked shirt long since abandoned. Evan had come over with a carton of soup and made him tea. He hadn't asked him to, in fact he'd tried to hide the fact that he was sick from him.

"Are you feeling alright?" He'd asked gently once Connor had managed half a bowl of soup and a few sips of tea.

"'M fine, kinda achey all over but I'm fine."

Evan looked at him with concern. Connor had his blanket pulled up to his shoulders but he let it fall to his lap as he sat up. Evan flushed. "I c-could give you an um...I mean if you want I could, we don't have to but if you're feeling achey I could um..."

"You could do what Evan?"

"Give you an um...a massage."

Connor.exe cannot function. "Okay," he heard himself say.

"C-can you lay down on your stomach?" Connor did as he was told, hoping he wasn't as sweaty as he felt.

"I'm going to, uh...sit on the back of your legs. Is that alright?"

"Yeah Hansen. Are you sure you know what you're doing?" He said, but Evan was already straddling him, hands soft but effective over his shoulder blades and down his spine.

"Jesus fuck," he breathed.

Evan stopped. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he groaned. "Just keep doing that."

Evan laughed. "Relax Con, just relax."

He had dozed off with Evan's hands on his back. It was the first time he felt really at home with Evan's touch. They'd spent an awfully long time tiptoeing around each other but it was ending.

Now, it was the words that made things awkward. He couldn't believe how dumb he'd been going on about marriage. No matter what he did he always ended up feeling like a fuck up.

Evan slept curled up into him, snoring softly with his hands clutching the fabric of his shirt. Things were never easy for Connor Murphy: his explosive episodes, depression that hit him like a tire iron to the knees, and the gnawing feeling at the back of his throat that he didn't deserve to be happy. With Evan things felt easier though. With Evan sometimes he forgot how broken he was and remembered to breathe. Evan made all the therapy and medication and work he'd done on himself in the years since he'd nearly lost everything worth it. With Evan, he wanted to be alive.

He couldn't sleep much that night. He kept thinking about how important Evan Hansen had become in his life. When he closed his eyes his mind lingered on his smile and concerned furrow of his brow. He pictured his face red and streaked with tears. It wasn't easy to be Evan Hansen either. He'd be an idiot not to want to marry Evan, even though the idea of marriage still made his stomach turn. He didn't want to end up like his parents. He didn't want to end up like Evan's parents. He didn't want everything to go to shit slowly: resentment and arguments piling up over years. But he did want to be with Evan. He didn't want to be with anyone else. The tireder he got the more ridiculous and romantic his thoughts became. He imagined living with Evan full time instead of the occasional weekend. He imagined writing his wedding vows. Right before he fell asleep he imagined Evan in a Kleinfeld wedding dress, which was thoroughly crazy but didn't look bad on him.

He decided he was going to say it right when they woke up. That way, if something went wrong Evan would be sleepy enough to believe him when he brushed it off. Evan stirred and Connor looked over at him. His hair was a mess and he had drool on his face. Connor liked him anyway.

"Good morning," Evan whispered, eyes fluttering open. "Have you been awake long?"

"I love you," he said before he could lose the nerve. "I'm in love with you Evan," he repeated. It felt good to say. It didn't feel scary or nauseating or like something he should discuss with his therapist first.

Evan stared at him all deer in headlights for a moment and he nearly chickened out and took it back.

"I love you too." His shoulders released their tension.

"You don't have to say it just 'cause I did. That's not the point."

"I know," he said. "I really do love you Connor."

"I don't deserve you."

"That's not true."

"You know I didn't mean anything by the wedding stuff right? I'm not trying to freak you out or..."

"I know Connor. It's okay." He must look as messy and sleep clouded as Evan did right now. He ran his fingers through his tangle of hair and groaned.

"Remember our first date?" Evan asked, sitting up so the sun lit up his hair and jaw and eyelashes.

Connor remembered. He'd taken him to A La Mode because it was only vaguely date like place he could think of. His palms were sweating and he'd braided his hair because Zoe said it was the only way he wouldn't fiddle with it the whole evening.

Evan had hardly been able to look at him he was blushing so violently. They'd eaten ice cream and looked up at the stars and Connor had initiated a game of question and answer that had started simply (Evan's favorite color was blue and his favorite flowers were sunflowers,) but took a turn.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Evan asked after a long pause. "I'm sorry. That's too personal to ask on a first date." His hands shook around his cup of mint chocolate chip. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

"Don't be. It's okay," he muttered. "I, uh...felt like I was doing more harm than good. I couldn't stop hurting people. It felt...it felt selfish to live if I was only hurting those around me." He clenched his jaw. "And I felt worthless and angry. I was angry at everything Hansen. I was so angry I couldn't bare it."

"And now?" Evan asked, extending a gentle hand to put over Connor's.

"When I woke up I was scared. And I was sad. I think I cried for two days," he said, feeling his face flush. His days in the hospital were not his proudest moments. "And now things are getting better...a little at a time. This," he gestured between them. "Makes it easier."

"I'm glad."

"Why did you...I mean if you're okay with telling me."

"It got really difficult to do...well everything. And I was so tired. And when I climbed that tree it just felt easier to let go. It felt easier to make it all go away." Evan sucked in a breath. "And now it's still hard but it's worth it now." He looked up at him. "You're worth it too."

"We were kind of a mess," Evan said now, sitting beside him in the bed, grin wide.

"We're still kind of a mess."

"I'm really proud of you."

"Me?" Connor smiled. "I'm proud of you."

"Is that show you like on again today?"

Connor cringed. "Please don't tell people I'm a TLC fan. But yeah, it'll be on in between Hoarding: Buried Alive."

"Let's watch it."

"You're sure?"

Evan leaned in to kiss him. "Yes, and don't worry." Evan winked. Evan Hansen actually winked. "I'm not getting any funny ideas."

"Shut up Hansen."

_Maybe I wouldn't care if you did._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all thanks for sticking around. Comments, prompts, critiques all welcome. I'm @colonel-carter on Tumblr if you're inclined to check that out.


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